The Gadfly
Chapter VIII
THE Gadfly’s recovery was rapid. One afternoon in the following week Riccardo found him lying on the sofa in a Turkish dressing-gown, chatting with Martini and Galli. He even talked about going downstairs; but Riccardo merely laughed at the suggestion and asked whether he would like a tramp across the valley to Fiesole to start with.
“You might go and call on the Grassinis for a change,” he added wickedly. “I’m sure madame would be delighted to see you, especially now, when you look so pale and interesting.”
The Gadfly clasped his hands with a tragic gesture.
“Bless my soul! I never thought of that! She’d take me for one of Italy’s martyrs, and talk patriotism to me. I should have to act up to the part, and tell her I’ve been cut to pieces in an underground dungeon and stuck together again rather badly; and she’d want to know exactly what the process felt like. You don’t think she’d believe it, Riccardo? I’ll bet you my Indian dagger against the bottled tape-worm in your den that she’ll swallow the biggest lie I can invent. That’s a generous offer, and you’d better jump at it.”
“Thanks, I’m not so fond of murderous tools as you are.”
“Well, a tape-worm is as murderous as a dagger, any day, and not half so pretty.”
“But as it happens, my dear fellow, I don’t want the dagger and I do want the tape-worm. Martini, I must run off. Are you in charge of this obstreperous patient?”
“Only till three o’clock. Galli and I have to go to San Miniato, and Signora Bolla is coming till I can get back.”
“Signora Bolla!” the Gadfly repeated in a tone of dismay. “Why, Martini, this will never do! I can’t have a lady bothered over me and my ailments. Besides, where is she to sit? She won’t like to come in here.”
“Since when have you gone in so fiercely for the proprieties?” asked Riccardo, laughing. “My good man, Signora Bolla is head nurse in general to all of us. She has looked after sick people ever since she was in short frocks, and does it better than any sister of mercy I know. Won’t like to come into your room! Why, you might be talking of the Grassini woman! I needn’t leave any directions if she’s coming, Martini. Heart alive, it’s half-past two; I must be off!”
“Now, Rivarez, take your physic before she comes,” said Galli, approaching the sofa with a medicine glass.
“Damn the physic!” The Gadfly had reached the irritable stage of convalescence, and was inclined to give his devoted nurses a bad time. “W-what do you want to d-d-dose me with all sorts of horrors for now the pain is gone?”
“Just because I don’t want it to come back. You wouldn’t like it if you collapsed when Signora Bolla is here and she had to give you opium.”
“My g-good sir, if that pain is going to come back it will come; it’s not a t-toothache to be frightened away with your trashy mixtures. They are about as much use as a t-toy squirt for a house on fire. However, I suppose you must have your way.”
He took the glass with his left hand, and the sight of the terrible scars recalled Galli to the former subject of conversation.
“By the way,” he asked; “how did you get so much knocked about? In the war, was it?”
“Now, didn’t I just tell you it was a case of secret dungeons and—”
“Yes, that version is for Signora Grassini’s benefit. Really, I suppose it was in the war with Brazil?”
“Yes, I got a bit hurt there; and then hunting in the savage districts and one thing and another.”
“Ah, yes; on the scientific expedition. You can fasten your shirt; I have quite done. You seem to have had an exciting time of it out there.”
“Well, of course you can’t live in savage countries without getting a few adventures once in a way,” said the Gadfly lightly; “and you can hardly expect them all to be pleasant.”
“Still, I don’t understand how you managed to get so much knocked about unless in a bad adventure with wild beasts—those scars on your left arm, for instance.”
“Ah, that was in a puma-hunt. You see, I had fired—”
There was a knock at the door.
“Is the room tidy, Martini? Yes? Then please open the door. This is really most kind, signora; you must excuse my not getting up.”
“Of course you mustn’t get up; I have not come as a caller. I am a little early, Cesare. I thought perhaps you were in a hurry to go.”
“I can stop for a quarter of an hour. Let me put your cloak in the other room. Shall I take the basket, too?”
“Take care; those are new-laid eggs. Katie brought them in from Monte Oliveto this morning. There are some Christmas roses for you, Signor Rivarez; I know you are fond of flowers.”
She sat down beside the table and began clipping the stalks of the flowers and arranging them in a vase.
“Well, Rivarez,” said Galli; “tell us the rest of the puma-hunt story; you had just begun.”
“Ah, yes! Galli was asking me about life in South America, signora; and I was telling him how I came to get my left arm spoiled. It was in Peru. We had been wading a river on a puma-hunt, and when I fired at the beast the powder wouldn’t go off; it had got splashed with water. Naturally the puma didn’t wait for me to rectify that; and this is the result.”
“That must have been a pleasant experience.”
“Oh, not so bad! One must take the rough with the smooth, of course; but it’s a splendid life on the whole. Serpent-catching, for instance—”
He rattled on, telling anecdote after anecdote; now of the Argentine war, now of the Brazilian expedition, now of hunting feats and adventures with savages or wild beasts. Galli, with the delight of a child hearing a fairy story, kept interrupting every moment to ask questions. He was of the impressionable Neapolitan temperament and loved everything sensational. Gemma took some knitting from her basket and listened silently, with busy fingers and downcast eyes. Martini frowned and fidgeted. The manner in which the anecdotes were told seemed to him boastful and self-conscious; and, notwithstanding his unwilling admiration for a man who could endure physical pain with the amazing fortitude which he had seen the week before, he genuinely disliked the Gadfly and all his works and ways.
“It must have been a glorious life!” sighed Galli with naive envy. “I wonder you ever made up your mind to leave Brazil. Other countries must seem so flat after it!”
“I think I was happiest in Peru and Ecuador,” said the Gadfly. “That really is a magnificent tract of country. Of course it is very hot, especially the coast district of Ecuador, and one has to rough it a bit; but the scenery is superb beyond imagination.”
“I believe,” said Galli, “the perfect freedom of life in a barbarous country would attract me more than any scenery. A man must feel his personal, human dignity as he can never feel it in our crowded towns.”
“Yes,” the Gadfly answered; “that is—”
Gemma raised her eyes from her knitting and looked at him. He flushed suddenly scarlet and broke off. There was a little pause.
“Surely it is not come on again?” asked Galli anxiously.
“Oh, nothing to speak of, thanks to your s-s-soothing application that I b-b-blasphemed against. Are you going already, Martini?”
“Yes. Come along, Galli; we shall be late.”
Gemma followed the two men out of the room, and presently returned with an egg beaten up in milk.
“Take this, please,” she said with mild authority; and sat down again to her knitting. The Gadfly obeyed meekly.
For half an hour, neither spoke. Then the Gadfly said in a very low voice:
“Signora Bolla!”
She looked up. He was tearing the fringe of the couch-rug, and kept his eyes lowered.
“You didn’t believe I was speaking the truth just now,” he began.
“I had not the smallest doubt that you were telling falsehoods,” she answered quietly.
“You were quite right. I was telling falsehoods all the time.”
“Do you mean about the war?”
“About everything. I was not in that war at all; and as for the expedition, I had a few adventures, of course, and most of those stories are true, but it was not that way I got smashed. You have detected me in one lie, so I may as well confess the lot, I suppose.”
“Does it not seem to you rather a waste of energy to invent so many falsehoods?” she asked. “I should have thought it was hardly worth the trouble.”
“What would you have? You know your own English proverb: 'Ask no questions and you’ll be told no lies.' It’s no pleasure to me to fool people that way, but I must answer them somehow when they ask what made a cripple of me; and I may as well invent something pretty while I’m about it. You saw how pleased Galli was.”
“Do you prefer pleasing Galli to speaking the truth?”
“The truth!” He looked up with the torn fringe in his hand. “You wouldn’t have me tell those people the truth? I’d cut my tongue out first!” Then with an awkward, shy abruptness:
“I have never told it to anybody yet; but I’ll tell you if you care to hear.”
She silently laid down her knitting. To her there was something grievously pathetic in this hard, secret, unlovable creature, suddenly flinging his personal confidence at the feet of a woman whom he barely knew and whom he apparently disliked.
A long silence followed, and she looked up. He was leaning his left arm on the little table beside him, and shading his eyes with the mutilated hand, and she noticed the nervous tension of the fingers and the throbbing of the scar on the wrist. She came up to him and called him softly by name. He started violently and raised his head.
“I f-forgot,” he stammered apologetically. “I was g-going to t-tell you about—”
“About the—accident or whatever it was that caused your lameness. But if it worries you—”
“The accident? Oh, the smashing! Yes; only it wasn’t an accident, it was a poker.”
She stared at him in blank amazement. He pushed back his hair with a hand that shook perceptibly, and looked up at her, smiling.
“Won’t you sit down? Bring your chair close, please. I’m so sorry I can’t get it for you. R-really, now I come to think of it, the case would have been a p-perfect t-treasure-trove for Riccardo if he had had me to treat; he has the true surgeon’s love for broken bones, and I believe everything in me that was breakable was broken on that occasion—except my neck.”
“And your courage,” she put in softly. “But perhaps you count that among your unbreakable possessions.”
He shook his head. “No,” he said; “my courage has been mended up after a fashion, with the rest of me; but it was fairly broken then, like a smashed tea-cup; that’s the horrible part of it. Ah— Yes; well, I was telling you about the poker.
“It was—let me see—nearly thirteen years ago, in Lima. I told you Peru was a delightful country to live in; but it’s not quite so nice for people that happen to be at low water, as I was. I had been down in the Argentine, and then in Chili, tramping the country and starving, mostly; and had come up from Valparaiso as odd-man on a cattle-boat. I couldn’t get any work in Lima itself, so I went down to the docks,—they’re at Callao, you know,—to try there. Well of course in all those shipping-ports there are low quarters where the sea-faring people congregate; and after some time I got taken on as servant in one of the gambling hells there. I had to do the cooking and billiard-marking, and fetch drink for the sailors and their women, and all that sort of thing. Not very pleasant work; still I was glad to get it; there was at least food and the sight of human faces and sound of human tongues—of a kind. You may think that was no advantage; but I had just been down with yellow fever, alone in the outhouse of a wretched half-caste shanty, and the thing had given me the horrors. Well, one night I was told to put out a tipsy Lascar who was making himself obnoxious; he had come ashore and lost all his money and was in a bad temper. Of course I had to obey if I didn’t want to lose my place and starve; but the man was twice as strong as I—I was not twenty-one and as weak as a cat after the fever. Besides, he had the poker.”
He paused a moment, glancing furtively at her; then went on:
“Apparently he intended to put an end to me altogether; but somehow he managed to scamp his work—Lascars always do if they have a chance; and left just enough of me not smashed to go on living with.”
“Yes, but the other people, could they not interfere? Were they all afraid of one Lascar?”
He looked up and burst out laughing.
“THE OTHER PEOPLE? The gamblers and the people of the house? Why, you don’t understand! They were negroes and Chinese and Heaven knows what; and I was their servant—THEIR PROPERTY. They stood round and enjoyed the fun, of course. That sort of thing counts for a good joke out there. So it is if you don’t happen to be the subject practised on.”
She shuddered.
“Then what was the end of it?”
“That I can’t tell you much about; a man doesn’t remember the next few days after a thing of that kind, as a rule. But there was a ship’s surgeon near, and it seems that when they found I was not dead, somebody called him in. He patched me up after a fashion—Riccardo seems to think it was rather badly done, but that may be professional jealousy. Anyhow, when I came to my senses, an old native woman had taken me in for Christian charity—that sounds queer, doesn’t it? She used to sit huddled up in the corner of the hut, smoking a black pipe and spitting on the floor and crooning to herself. However, she meant well, and she told me I might die in peace and nobody should disturb me. But the spirit of contradiction was strong in me and I elected to live. It was rather a difficult job scrambling back to life, and sometimes I am inclined to think it was a great deal of cry for very little wool. Anyway that old woman’s patience was wonderful; she kept me—how long was it?—nearly four months lying in her hut, raving like a mad thing at intervals, and as vicious as a bear with a sore ear between-whiles. The pain was pretty bad, you see, and my temper had been spoiled in childhood with overmuch coddling.”
“And then?”
“Oh, then—I got up somehow and crawled away. No, don’t think it was any delicacy about taking a poor woman’s charity—I was past caring for that; it was only that I couldn’t bear the place any longer. You talked just now about my courage; if you had seen me then! The worst of the pain used to come on every evening, about dusk; and in the afternoon I used to lie alone, and watch the sun get lower and lower— Oh, you can’t understand! It makes me sick to look at a sunset now!”
A long pause.
“Well, then I went up country, to see if I could get work anywhere—it would have driven me mad to stay in Lima. I got as far as Cuzco, and there— Really I don’t know why I’m inflicting all this ancient history on you; it hasn’t even the merit of being funny.”
She raised her head and looked at him with deep and serious eyes. “PLEASE don’t talk that way,” she said.
He bit his lip and tore off another piece of the rug-fringe.
“Shall I go on?” he asked after a moment.
“If—if you will. I am afraid it is horrible to you to remember.”
“Do you think I forget when I hold my tongue? It’s worse then. But don’t imagine it’s the thing itself that haunts me so. It is the fact of having lost the power over myself.”
“I—don’t think I quite understand.”
“I mean, it is the fact of having come to the end of my courage, to the point where I found myself a coward.”
“Surely there is a limit to what anyone can bear.”
“Yes; and the man who has once reached that limit never knows when he may reach it again.”
“Would you mind telling me,” she asked, hesitating, “how you came to be stranded out there alone at twenty?”
“Very simply: I had a good opening in life, at home in the old country, and ran away from it.”
“Why?”
He laughed again in his quick, harsh way.
“Why? Because I was a priggish young cub, I suppose. I had been brought up in an over-luxurious home, and coddled and faddled after till I thought the world was made of pink cotton-wool and sugared almonds. Then one fine day I found out that someone I had trusted had deceived me. Why, how you start! What is it?”
“Nothing. Go on, please.”
“I found out that I had been tricked into believing a lie; a common bit of experience, of course; but, as I tell you, I was young and priggish, and thought that liars go to hell. So I ran away from home and plunged into South America to sink or swim as I could, without a cent in my pocket or a word of Spanish in my tongue, or anything but white hands and expensive habits to get my bread with. And the natural result was that I got a dip into the real hell to cure me of imagining sham ones. A pretty thorough dip, too—it was just five years before the Duprez expedition came along and pulled me out.”
“Five years! Oh, that is terrible! And had you no friends?”
“Friends! I”—he turned on her with sudden fierceness—“I have NEVER had a friend!”
The next instant he seemed a little ashamed of his vehemence, and went on quickly:
“You mustn’t take all this too seriously; I dare say I made the worst of things, and really it wasn’t so bad the first year and a half; I was young and strong and I managed to scramble along fairly well till the Lascar put his mark on me. But after that I couldn’t get work. It’s wonderful what an effectual tool a poker is if you handle it properly; and nobody cares to employ a cripple.”
“What sort of work did you do?”
“What I could get. For some time I lived by odd-jobbing for the blacks on the sugar plantations, fetching and carrying and so on. It’s one of the curious things in life, by the way, that slaves always contrive to have a slave of their own, and there’s nothing a negro likes so much as a white fag to bully. But it was no use; the overseers always turned me off. I was too lame to be quick; and I couldn’t manage the heavy loads. And then I was always getting these attacks of inflammation, or whatever the confounded thing is.
“After some time I went down to the silver-mines and tried to get work there; but it was all no good. The managers laughed at the very notion of taking me on, and as for the men, they made a dead set at me.”
“Why was that?”
“Oh, human nature, I suppose; they saw I had only one hand that I could hit back with. They’re a mangy, half-caste lot; negroes and Zambos mostly. And then those horrible coolies! So at last I got enough of that, and set off to tramp the country at random; just wandering about, on the chance of something turning up.”
“To tramp? With that lame foot!”
He looked up with a sudden, piteous catching of the breath.
“I—I was hungry,” he said.
She turned her head a little away and rested her chin on one hand. After a moment’s silence he began again, his voice sinking lower and lower as he spoke:
“Well, I tramped, and tramped, till I was nearly mad with tramping, and nothing came of it. I got down into Ecuador, and there it was worse than ever. Sometimes I’d get a bit of tinkering to do,—I’m a pretty fair tinker,—or an errand to run, or a pigstye to clean out; sometimes I did—oh, I hardly know what. And then at last, one day—”
The slender, brown hand clenched itself suddenly on the table, and Gemma, raising her head, glanced at him anxiously. His side-face was turned towards her, and she could see a vein on the temple beating like a hammer, with quick, irregular strokes. She bent forward and laid a gentle hand on his arm.
“Never mind the rest; it’s almost too horrible to talk about.”
He stared doubtfully at the hand, shook his head, and went on steadily:
“Then one day I met a travelling variety show. You remember that one the other night; well, that sort of thing, only coarser and more indecent. The Zambos are not like these gentle Florentines; they don’t care for anything that is not foul or brutal. There was bull-fighting, too, of course. They had camped out by the roadside for the night; and I went up to their tent to beg. Well, the weather was hot and I was half starved, and so—I fainted at the door of the tent. I had a trick of fainting suddenly at that time, like a boarding-school girl with tight stays. So they took me in and gave me brandy, and food, and so on; and then—the next morning—they offered me—”
Another pause.
“They wanted a hunchback, or monstrosity of some kind; for the boys to pelt with orange-peel and banana-skins—something to set the blacks laughing— You saw the clown that night—well, I was that—for two years. I suppose you have a humanitarian feeling about negroes and Chinese. Wait till you’ve been at their mercy!
“Well, I learned to do the tricks. I was not quite deformed enough; but they set that right with an artificial hump and made the most of this foot and arm— And the Zambos are not critical; they’re easily satisfied if only they can get hold of some live thing to torture—the fool’s dress makes a good deal of difference, too.
“The only difficulty was that I was so often ill and unable to play. Sometimes, if the manager was out of temper, he would insist on my coming into the ring when I had these attacks on; and I believe the people liked those evenings best. Once, I remember, I fainted right off with the pain in the middle of the performance— When I came to my senses again, the audience had got round me—hooting and yelling and pelting me with—”
“Don’t! I can’t hear any more! Stop, for God’s sake!”
She was standing up with both hands over her ears. He broke off, and, looking up, saw the glitter of tears in her eyes.
“Damn it all, what an idiot I am!” he said under his breath.
She crossed the room and stood for a little while looking out of the window. When she turned round, the Gadfly was again leaning on the table and covering his eyes with one hand. He had evidently forgotten her presence, and she sat down beside him without speaking. After a long silence she said slowly:
“I want to ask you a question.”
“Yes?” without moving.
“Why did you not cut your throat?”
He looked up in grave surprise. “I did not expect YOU to ask that,” he said. “And what about my work? Who would have done it for me?”
“Your work— Ah, I see! You talked just now about being a coward; well, if you have come through that and kept to your purpose, you are the very bravest man that I have ever met.”
He covered his eyes again, and held her hand in a close passionate clasp. A silence that seemed to have no end fell around them.
Suddenly a clear and fresh soprano voice rang out from the garden below, singing a verse of a doggerel French song:
“Eh, Pierrot! Danse, Pierrot! Danse un peu, mon pauvre Jeannot! Vive la danse et l’allegresse! Jouissons de notre bell' jeunesse! Si moi je pleure ou moi je soupire, Si moi je fais la triste figure— Monsieur, ce n’est que pour rire! Ha! Ha, ha, ha! Monsieur, ce n’est que pour rire!”
At the first words the Gadfly tore his hand from Gemma’s and shrank away with a stifled groan. She clasped both hands round his arm and pressed it firmly, as she might have pressed that of a person undergoing a surgical operation. When the song broke off and a chorus of laughter and applause came from the garden, he looked up with the eyes of a tortured animal.
“Yes, it is Zita,” he said slowly; “with her officer friends. She tried to come in here the other night, before Riccardo came. I should have gone mad if she had touched me!”
“But she does not know,” Gemma protested softly. “She cannot guess that she is hurting you.”
“She is like a Creole,” he answered, shuddering. “Do you remember her face that night when we brought in the beggar-child? That is how the half-castes look when they laugh.”
Another burst of laughter came from the garden. Gemma rose and opened the window. Zita, with a gold-embroidered scarf wound coquettishly round her head, was standing in the garden path, holding up a bunch of violets, for the possession of which three young cavalry officers appeared to be competing.
“Mme. Reni!” said Gemma.
Zita’s face darkened like a thunder-cloud. “Madame?” she said, turning and raising her eyes with a defiant look.
“Would your friends mind speaking a little more softly? Signor Rivarez is very unwell.”
The gipsy flung down her violets. “Allez-vous en!” she said, turning sharply on the astonished officers. “Vous m’embetez, messieurs!”
She went slowly out into the road. Gemma closed the window.
“They have gone away,” she said, turning to him.
“Thank you. I—I am sorry to have troubled you.”
“It was no trouble.” He at once detected the hesitation in her voice.
“'But?'” he said. “That sentence was not finished, signora; there was an unspoken 'but' in the back of your mind.”
“If you look into the backs of people’s minds, you mustn’t be offended at what you read there. It is not my affair, of course, but I cannot understand—”
“My aversion to Mme. Reni? It is only when—”
“No, your caring to live with her when you feel that aversion. It seems to me an insult to her as a woman and as—”
“A woman!” He burst out laughing harshly. “Is THAT what you call a woman? 'Madame, ce n’est que pour rire!'”
“That is not fair!” she said. “You have no right to speak of her in that way to anyone—especially to another woman!”
He turned away, and lay with wide-open eyes, looking out of the window at the sinking sun. She lowered the blind and closed the shutters, that he might not see it set; then sat down at the table by the other window and took up her knitting again.
“Would you like the lamp?” she asked after a moment.
He shook his head.
When it grew too dark to see, Gemma rolled up her knitting and laid it in the basket. For some time she sat with folded hands, silently watching the Gadfly’s motionless figure. The dim evening light, falling on his face, seemed to soften away its hard, mocking, self-assertive look, and to deepen the tragic lines about the mouth. By some fanciful association of ideas her memory went vividly back to the stone cross which her father had set up in memory of Arthur, and to its inscription:
“All thy waves and billows have gone over me.”
An hour passed in unbroken silence. At last she rose and went softly out of the room. Coming back with a lamp, she paused for a moment, thinking that the Gadfly was asleep. As the light fell on his face he turned round.
“I have made you a cup of coffee,” she said, setting down the lamp.
“Put it down a minute. Will you come here, please.”
He took both her hands in his.
“I have been thinking,” he said. “You are quite right; it is an ugly tangle I have got my life into. But remember, a man does not meet every day a woman whom he can—love; and I—I have been in deep waters. I am afraid—”
“Afraid—”
“Of the dark. Sometimes I DARE not be alone at night. I must have something living—something solid beside me. It is the outer darkness, where shall be— No, no! It’s not that; that’s a sixpenny toy hell;—it’s the INNER darkness. There’s no weeping or gnashing of teeth there; only silence—silence—”
His eyes dilated. She was quite still, hardly breathing till he spoke again.
“This is all mystification to you, isn’t it? You can’t understand—luckily for you. What I mean is that I have a pretty fair chance of going mad if I try to live quite alone— Don’t think too hardly of me, if you can help it; I am not altogether the vicious brute you perhaps imagine me to be.”
“I cannot try to judge for you,” she answered. “I have not suffered as you have. But—I have been in rather deep water too, in another way; and I think—I am sure—that if you let the fear of anything drive you to do a really cruel or unjust or ungenerous thing, you will regret it afterwards. For the rest—if you have failed in this one thing, I know that I, in your place, should have failed altogether,—should have cursed God and died.”
He still kept her hands in his.
“Tell me,” he said very softly; “have you ever in your life done a really cruel thing?”
She did not answer, but her head sank down, and two great tears fell on his hand.
“Tell me!” he whispered passionately, clasping her hands tighter. “Tell me! I have told you all my misery.”
“Yes,—once,—long ago. And I did it to the person I loved best in the world.”
The hands that clasped hers were trembling violently; but they did not loosen their hold.
“He was a comrade,” she went on; “and I believed a slander against him,—a common glaring lie that the police had invented. I struck him in the face for a traitor; and he went away and drowned himself. Then, two days later, I found out that he had been quite innocent. Perhaps that is a worse memory than any of yours. I would cut off my right hand to undo what it has done.”
Something swift and dangerous—something that she had not seen before,—flashed into his eyes. He bent his head down with a furtive, sudden gesture and kissed the hand.
She drew back with a startled face. “Don’t!” she cried out piteously. “Please don’t ever do that again! You hurt me!”
“Do you think you didn’t hurt the man you killed?”
“The man I—killed— Ah, there is Cesare at the gate at last! I—I must go!”
*****
When Martini came into the room he found the Gadfly lying alone with the untouched coffee beside him, swearing softly to himself in a languid, spiritless way, as though he got no satisfaction out of it.
Chapter IX
A FEW days later, the Gadfly, still rather pale and limping more than usual, entered the reading room of the public library and asked for Cardinal Montanelli’s sermons. Riccardo, who was reading at a table near him, looked up. He liked the Gadfly very much, but could not digest this one trait in him—this curious personal maliciousness.
“Are you preparing another volley against that unlucky Cardinal?” he asked half irritably.
“My dear fellow, why do you a-a-always attribute evil m-m-motives to people? It’s m-most unchristian. I am preparing an essay on contemporary theology for the n-n-new paper.”
“What new paper?” Riccardo frowned. It was perhaps an open secret that a new press-law was expected and that the Opposition was preparing to astonish the town with a radical newspaper; but still it was, formally, a secret.
“The Swindlers' Gazette, of course, or the Church Calendar.”
“Sh-sh! Rivarez, we are disturbing the other readers.”
“Well then, stick to your surgery, if that’s your subject, and l-l-leave me to th-theology—that’s mine. I d-d-don’t interfere with your treatment of broken bones, though I know a p-p-precious lot more about them than you do.”
He sat down to his volume of sermons with an intent and preoccupied face. One of the librarians came up to him.
“Signor Rivarez! I think you were in the Duprez expedition, exploring the tributaries of the Amazon? Perhaps you will kindly help us in a difficulty. A lady has been inquiring for the records of the expedition, and they are at the binder’s.”
“What does she want to know?”
“Only in what year the expedition started and when it passed through Ecuador.”
“It started from Paris in the autumn of 1837, and passed through Quito in April, 1838. We were three years in Brazil; then went down to Rio and got back to Paris in the summer of 1841. Does the lady want the dates of the separate discoveries?”
“No, thank you; only these. I have written them down. Beppo, take this paper to Signora Bolla, please. Many thanks, Signor Rivarez. I am sorry to have troubled you.”
The Gadfly leaned back in his chair with a perplexed frown. What did she want the dates for? When they passed through Ecuador—
Gemma went home with the slip of paper in her hand. April, 1838—and Arthur had died in May, 1833. Five years—
She began pacing up and down her room. She had slept badly the last few nights, and there were dark shadows under her eyes.
Five years;—and an “overluxurious home”—and “someone he had trusted had deceived him”—had deceived him—and he had found it out—
She stopped and put up both hands to her head. Oh, this was utterly mad—it was not possible—it was absurd—
And yet, how they had dragged that harbour!
Five years—and he was “not twenty-one” when the Lascar— Then he must have been nineteen when he ran away from home. Had he not said: “A year and a half—” Where did he get those blue eyes from, and that nervous restlessness of the fingers? And why was he so bitter against Montanelli? Five years—five years—
If she could but know that he was drowned—if she could but have seen the body; some day, surely, the old wound would have left off aching, the old memory would have lost its terrors. Perhaps in another twenty years she would have learned to look back without shrinking.
All her youth had been poisoned by the thought of what she had done. Resolutely, day after day and year after year, she had fought against the demon of remorse. Always she had remembered that her work lay in the future; always had shut her eyes and ears to the haunting spectre of the past. And day after day, year after year, the image of the drowned body drifting out to sea had never left her, and the bitter cry that she could not silence had risen in her heart: “I have killed Arthur! Arthur is dead!” Sometimes it had seemed to her that her burden was too heavy to be borne.
Now she would have given half her life to have that burden back again. If she had killed him—that was a familiar grief; she had endured it too long to sink under it now. But if she had driven him, not into the water but into— She sat down, covering her eyes with both hands. And her life had been darkened for his sake, because he was dead! If she had brought upon him nothing worse than death—
Steadily, pitilessly she went back, step by step, through the hell of his past life. It was as vivid to her as though she had seen and felt it all; the helpless shivering of the naked soul, the mockery that was bitterer than death, the horror of loneliness, the slow, grinding, relentless agony. It was as vivid as if she had sat beside him in the filthy Indian hut; as if she had suffered with him in the silver-mines, the coffee fields, the horrible variety show—
The variety show— No, she must shut out that image, at least; it was enough to drive one mad to sit and think of it.
She opened a little drawer in her writing-desk. It contained the few personal relics which she could not bring herself to destroy. She was not given to the hoarding up of sentimental trifles; and the preservation of these keepsakes was a concession to that weaker side of her nature which she kept under with so steady a hand. She very seldom allowed herself to look at them.
Now she took them out, one after another: Giovanni’s first letter to her, and the flowers that had lain in his dead hand; a lock of her baby’s hair and a withered leaf from her father’s grave. At the back of the drawer was a miniature portrait of Arthur at ten years old—the only existing likeness of him.
She sat down with it in her hands and looked at the beautiful childish head, till the face of the real Arthur rose up afresh before her. How clear it was in every detail! The sensitive lines of the mouth, the wide, earnest eyes, the seraphic purity of expression—they were graven in upon her memory, as though he had died yesterday. Slowly the blinding tears welled up and hid the portrait.
Oh, how could she have thought such a thing! It was like sacrilege even to dream of this bright, far-off spirit, bound to the sordid miseries of life. Surely the gods had loved him a little, and had let him die young! Better a thousand times that he should pass into utter nothingness than that he should live and be the Gadfly—the Gadfly, with his faultless neckties and his doubtful witticisms, his bitter tongue and his ballet girl! No, no! It was all a horrible, senseless fancy; and she had vexed her heart with vain imaginings. Arthur was dead.
“May I come in?” asked a soft voice at the door.
She started so that the portrait fell from her hand, and the Gadfly, limping across the room, picked it up and handed it to her.
“How you startled me!” she said.
“I am s-so sorry. Perhaps I am disturbing you?”
“No. I was only turning over some old things.”
She hesitated for a moment; then handed him back the miniature.
“What do you think of that head?”
While he looked at it she watched his face as though her life depended upon its expression; but it was merely negative and critical.
“You have set me a difficult task,” he said. “The portrait is faded, and a child’s face is always hard to read. But I should think that child would grow into an unlucky man, and the wisest thing he could do would be to abstain from growing into a man at all.”
“Why?”
“Look at the line of the under-lip. Th-th-that is the sort of nature that feels pain as pain and wrong as wrong; and the world has no r-r-room for such people; it needs people who feel nothing but their work.”
“Is it at all like anyone you know?”
He looked at the portrait more closely.
“Yes. What a curious thing! Of course it is; very like.”
“Like whom?”
“C-c-cardinal Montan-nelli. I wonder whether his irreproachable Eminence has any nephews, by the way? Who is it, if I may ask?”
“It is a portrait, taken in childhood, of the friend I told you about the other day—”
“Whom you killed?”
She winced in spite of herself. How lightly, how cruelly he used that dreadful word!
“Yes, whom I killed—if he is really dead.”
“If?”
She kept her eyes on his face.
“I have sometimes doubted,” she said. “The body was never found. He may have run away from home, like you, and gone to South America.”
“Let us hope not. That would be a bad memory to carry about with you. I have d-d-done some hard fighting in my t-time, and have sent m-more than one man to Hades, perhaps; but if I had it on my conscience that I had sent any l-living thing to South America, I should sleep badly—”
“Then do you believe,” she interrupted, coming nearer to him with clasped hands, “that if he were not drowned,—if he had been through your experience instead,—he would never come back and let the past go? Do you believe he would NEVER forget? Remember, it has cost me something, too. Look!”
She pushed back the heavy waves of hair from her forehead. Through the black locks ran a broad white streak.
There was a long silence.
“I think,” the Gadfly said slowly, “that the dead are better dead. Forgetting some things is a difficult matter. And if I were in the place of your dead friend, I would s-s-stay dead. The REVENANT is an ugly spectre.”
She put the portrait back into its drawer and locked the desk.
“That is hard doctrine,” she said. “And now we will talk about something else.”
“I came to have a little business talk with you, if I may—a private one, about a plan that I have in my head.”
She drew a chair to the table and sat down. “What do you think of the projected press-law?” he began, without a trace of his usual stammer.
“What I think of it? I think it will not be of much value, but half a loaf is better than no bread.”
“Undoubtedly. Then do you intend to work on one of the new papers these good folk here are preparing to start?”
“I thought of doing so. There is always a great deal of practical work to be done in starting any paper—printing and circulation arrangements and—”
“How long are you going to waste your mental gifts in that fashion?”
“Why 'waste'?”
“Because it is waste. You know quite well that you have a far better head than most of the men you are working with, and you let them make a regular drudge and Johannes factotum of you. Intellectually you are as far ahead of Grassini and Galli as if they were schoolboys; yet you sit correcting their proofs like a printer’s devil.”
“In the first place, I don’t spend all my time in correcting proofs; and moreover it seems to me that you exaggerate my mental capacities. They are by no means so brilliant as you think.”
“I don’t think them brilliant at all,” he answered quietly; “but I do think them sound and solid, which is of much more importance. At those dreary committee meetings it is always you who put your finger on the weak spot in everybody’s logic.”
“You are not fair to the others. Martini, for instance, has a very logical head, and there is no doubt about the capacities of Fabrizi and Lega. Then Grassini has a sounder knowledge of Italian economic statistics than any official in the country, perhaps.”
“Well, that’s not saying much; but let us lay them and their capacities aside. The fact remains that you, with such gifts as you possess, might do more important work and fill a more responsible post than at present.”
“I am quite satisfied with my position. The work I am doing is not of very much value, perhaps, but we all do what we can.”
“Signora Bolla, you and I have gone too far to play at compliments and modest denials now. Tell me honestly, do you recognize that you are using up your brain on work which persons inferior to you could do as well?”
“Since you press me for an answer—yes, to some extent.”
“Then why do you let that go on?”
No answer.
“Why do you let it go on?”
“Because—I can’t help it.”
“Why?”
She looked up reproachfully. “That is unkind—it’s not fair to press me so.”
“But all the same you are going to tell me why.”
“If you must have it, then—because my life has been smashed into pieces, and I have not the energy to start anything REAL, now. I am about fit to be a revolutionary cab-horse, and do the party’s drudge-work. At least I do it conscientiously, and it must be done by somebody.”
“Certainly it must be done by somebody; but not always by the same person.”
“It’s about all I’m fit for.”
He looked at her with half-shut eyes, inscrutably. Presently she raised her head.
“We are returning to the old subject; and this was to be a business talk. It is quite useless, I assure you, to tell me I might have done all sorts of things. I shall never do them now. But I may be able to help you in thinking out your plan. What is it?”
“You begin by telling me that it is useless for me to suggest anything, and then ask what I want to suggest. My plan requires your help in action, not only in thinking out.”
“Let me hear it and then we will discuss.”
“Tell me first whether you have heard anything about schemes for a rising in Venetia.”
“I have heard of nothing but schemes for risings and Sanfedist plots ever since the amnesty, and I fear I am as sceptical about the one as about the other.”
“So am I, in most cases; but I am speaking of really serious preparations for a rising of the whole province against the Austrians. A good many young fellows in the Papal States—particularly in the Four Legations—are secretly preparing to get across there and join as volunteers. And I hear from my friends in the Romagna—”
“Tell me,” she interrupted, “are you quite sure that these friends of yours can be trusted?”
“Quite sure. I know them personally, and have worked with them.”
“That is, they are members of the 'sect' to which you belong? Forgive my scepticism, but I am always a little doubtful as to the accuracy of information received from secret societies. It seems to me that the habit—”
“Who told you I belonged to a 'sect'?” he interrupted sharply.
“No one; I guessed it.”
“Ah!” He leaned back in his chair and looked at her, frowning. “Do you always guess people’s private affairs?” he said after a moment.
“Very often. I am rather observant, and have a habit of putting things together. I tell you that so that you may be careful when you don’t want me to know a thing.”
“I don’t mind your knowing anything so long as it goes no further. I suppose this has not—”
She lifted her head with a gesture of half-offended surprise. “Surely that is an unnecessary question!” she said.
“Of course I know you would not speak of anything to outsiders; but I thought that perhaps, to the members of your party—”
“The party’s business is with facts, not with my personal conjectures and fancies. Of course I have never mentioned the subject to anyone.”
“Thank you. Do you happen to have guessed which sect I belong to?”
“I hope—you must not take offence at my frankness; it was you who started this talk, you know— I do hope it is not the 'Knifers.'”
“Why do you hope that?”
“Because you are fit for better things.”
“We are all fit for better things than we ever do. There is your own answer back again. However, it is not the 'Knifers' that I belong to, but the 'Red Girdles.' They are a steadier lot, and take their work more seriously.”
“Do you mean the work of knifing?”
“That, among other things. Knives are very useful in their way; but only when you have a good, organized propaganda behind them. That is what I dislike in the other sect. They think a knife can settle all the world’s difficulties; and that’s a mistake. It can settle a good many, but not all.”
“Do you honestly believe that it settles any?”
He looked at her in surprise.
“Of course,” she went on, “it eliminates, for the moment, the practical difficulty caused by the presence of a clever spy or objectionable official; but whether it does not create worse difficulties in place of the one removed is another question. It seems to me like the parable of the swept and garnished house and the seven devils. Every assassination only makes the police more vicious and the people more accustomed to violence and brutality, and the last state of the community may be worse than the first.”
“What do you think will happen when the revolution comes? Do you suppose the people won’t have to get accustomed to violence then? War is war.”
“Yes, but open revolution is another matter. It is one moment in the people’s life, and it is the price we have to pay for all our progress. No doubt fearful things will happen; they must in every revolution. But they will be isolated facts—exceptional features of an exceptional moment. The horrible thing about this promiscuous knifing is that it becomes a habit. The people get to look upon it as an every-day occurrence, and their sense of the sacredness of human life gets blunted. I have not been much in the Romagna, but what little I have seen of the people has given me the impression that they have got, or are getting, into a mechanical habit of violence.”
“Surely even that is better than a mechanical habit of obedience and submission.”
“I don’t think so. All mechanical habits are bad and slavish, and this one is ferocious as well. Of course, if you look upon the work of the revolutionist as the mere wresting of certain definite concessions from the government, then the secret sect and the knife must seem to you the best weapons, for there is nothing else which all governments so dread. But if you think, as I do, that to force the government’s hand is not an end in itself, but only a means to an end, and that what we really need to reform is the relation between man and man, then you must go differently to work. Accustoming ignorant people to the sight of blood is not the way to raise the value they put on human life.”
“And the value they put on religion?”
“I don’t understand.”
He smiled.
“I think we differ as to where the root of the mischief lies. You place it in a lack of appreciation of the value of human life.”
“Rather of the sacredness of human personality.”
“Put it as you like. To me the great cause of our muddles and mistakes seems to lie in the mental disease called religion.”
“Do you mean any religion in particular?”
“Oh, no! That is a mere question of external symptoms. The disease itself is what is called a religious attitude of mind. It is the morbid desire to set up a fetich and adore it, to fall down and worship something. It makes little difference whether the something be Jesus or Buddha or a tum-tum tree. You don’t agree with me, of course. You may be atheist or agnostic or anything you like, but I could feel the religious temperament in you at five yards. However, it is of no use for us to discuss that. But you are quite mistaken in thinking that I, for one, look upon the knifing as merely a means of removing objectionable officials—it is, above all, a means, and I think the best means, of undermining the prestige of the Church and of accustoming people to look upon clerical agents as upon any other vermin.”
“And when you have accomplished that; when you have roused the wild beast that sleeps in the people and set it on the Church; then—”
“Then I shall have done the work that makes it worth my while to live.”
“Is THAT the work you spoke of the other day?”
“Yes, just that.”
She shivered and turned away.
“You are disappointed in me?” he said, looking up with a smile.
“No; not exactly that. I am—I think—a little afraid of you.”
She turned round after a moment and said in her ordinary business voice:
“This is an unprofitable discussion. Our standpoints are too different. For my part, I believe in propaganda, propaganda, and propaganda; and when you can get it, open insurrection.”
“Then let us come back to the question of my plan; it has something to do with propaganda and more with insurrection.”
“Yes?”
“As I tell you, a good many volunteers are going from the Romagna to join the Venetians. We do not know yet how soon the insurrection will break out. It may not be till the autumn or winter; but the volunteers in the Apennines must be armed and ready, so that they may be able to start for the plains directly they are sent for. I have undertaken to smuggle the firearms and ammunition on to Papal territory for them—”
“Wait a minute. How do you come to be working with that set? The revolutionists in Lombardy and Venetia are all in favour of the new Pope. They are going in for liberal reforms, hand in hand with the progressive movement in the Church. How can a 'no-compromise' anti-clerical like you get on with them?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “What is it to me if they like to amuse themselves with a rag-doll, so long as they do their work? Of course they will take the Pope for a figurehead. What have I to do with that, if only the insurrection gets under way somehow? Any stick will do to beat a dog with, I suppose, and any cry to set the people on the Austrians.”
“What is it you want me to do?”
“Chiefly to help me get the firearms across.”
“But how could I do that?”
“You are just the person who could do it best. I think of buying the arms in England, and there is a good deal of difficulty about bringing them over. It’s impossible to get them through any of the Pontifical sea-ports; they must come by Tuscany, and go across the Apennines.”
“That makes two frontiers to cross instead of one.”
“Yes; but the other way is hopeless; you can’t smuggle a big transport in at a harbour where there is no trade, and you know the whole shipping of Civita Vecchia amounts to about three row-boats and a fishing smack. If we once get the things across Tuscany, I can manage the Papal frontier; my men know every path in the mountains, and we have plenty of hiding-places. The transport must come by sea to Leghorn, and that is my great difficulty; I am not in with the smugglers there, and I believe you are.”
“Give me five minutes to think.”
She leaned forward, resting one elbow on her knee, and supporting the chin on the raised hand. After a few moments' silence she looked up.
“It is possible that I might be of some use in that part of the work,” she said; “but before we go any further, I want to ask you a question. Can you give me your word that this business is not connected with any stabbing or secret violence of any kind?”
“Certainly. It goes without saying that I should not have asked you to join in a thing of which I know you disapprove.”
“When do you want a definite answer from me?”
“There is not much time to lose; but I can give you a few days to decide in.”
“Are you free next Saturday evening?”
“Let me see—to-day is Thursday; yes.”
“Then come here. I will think the matter over and give you a final answer.”
*****
On the following Sunday Gemma sent in to the committee of the Florentine branch of the Mazzinian party a statement that she wished to undertake a special work of a political nature, which would for a few months prevent her from performing the functions for which she had up till now been responsible to the party.
Some surprise was felt at this announcement, but the committee raised no objection; she had been known in the party for several years as a person whose judgment might be trusted; and the members agreed that if Signora Bolla took an unexpected step, she probably had good reasons for it.
To Martini she said frankly that she had undertaken to help the Gadfly with some “frontier work.” She had stipulated for the right to tell her old friend this much, in order that there might be no misunderstanding or painful sense of doubt and mystery between them. It seemed to her that she owed him this proof of confidence. He made no comment when she told him; but she saw, without knowing why, that the news had wounded him deeply.
They were sitting on the terrace of her lodging, looking out over the red roofs to Fiesole. After a long silence, Martini rose and began tramping up and down with his hands in his pockets, whistling to himself—a sure sign with him of mental agitation. She sat looking at him for a little while.
“Cesare, you are worried about this affair,” she said at last. “I am very sorry you feel so despondent over it; but I could decide only as seemed right to me.”
“It is not the affair,” he answered, sullenly; “I know nothing about it, and it probably is all right, once you have consented to go into it. It’s the MAN I distrust.”
“I think you misunderstand him; I did till I got to know him better. He is far from perfect, but there is much more good in him than you think.”
“Very likely.” For a moment he tramped to and fro in silence, then suddenly stopped beside her.
“Gemma, give it up! Give it up before it is too late! Don’t let that man drag you into things you will repent afterwards.”
“Cesare,” she said gently, “you are not thinking what you are saying. No one is dragging me into anything. I have made this decision of my own will, after thinking the matter well over alone. You have a personal dislike to Rivarez, I know; but we are talking of politics now, not of persons.”
“Madonna! Give it up! That man is dangerous; he is secret, and cruel, and unscrupulous—and he is in love with you!”
She drew back.
“Cesare, how can you get such fancies into your head?”
“He is in love with you,” Martini repeated. “Keep clear of him, Madonna!”
“Dear Cesare, I can’t keep clear of him; and I can’t explain to you why. We are tied together—not by any wish or doing of our own.”
“If you are tied, there is nothing more to say,” Martini answered wearily.
He went away, saying that he was busy, and tramped for hours up and down the muddy streets. The world looked very black to him that evening. One poor ewe-lamb—and this slippery creature had stepped in and stolen it away.